Taped from Chicago, Illinois (one of my favorite cities in the world) let’s talk some smack…

World Champion Jack Swagger came out and he’s serious now, so no more goofy smiles or running around the ring like Eugene 2.0. He managed to bust out what I guess is supposed to be his “odds-on favorite” catchphrase. Then he said with HBK gone he’ll be the best pure competitor in WWE. So the new HBK is Jack Swagger? No. Morrison came out. Why accentuate that he lost to Orton clean on Monday? You’re supposed to build UP a champion, not down. Morrison made fun of his lisp, Swagger denied having one and then they went to play marbles in the schoolyard I think. Sorry, I had schoolyard flashbacks. Anybody remember marbles? Those games were intense! Swagger said Morrison’s claim to fame was being in Miz’ shadow and Morrison said at least he doesn’t have a speech impediment. I’m sure all the people at home with speech impediments are loving this promo, especially the kids. Who will think of the children? (Simpsons reference, people.) I’m not sure who thought the material in this prom was good, but it failed in my opinion.

Jack Swagger d. John Morrison (**)
I have no problem with 9 minute TV matches. The thing is this might have been a good time for the new World Champion to win in about five minutes to make it look more impressive. I wasn’t a big fan of stopping the match because Swagger was apparently bleeding above the eye. LAME! Plus, it’s a taped show and that could have been edited out, but I guess they like showing that to piss me off. It also sucked that Morrison was still on the ground not moving while Swagger was being tended to. Wrestling is bad when it looks too fake and that’s what this was. I marked out for Swagger doing the tope rope belly to belly like Kurt Angle. A fine move to steal. Swagger was able to trip up Morrison to daze him and then hit the Gutwrench Powerbomb (or the All-American American Bomb aka Triple A Bomb as I want to call it) for the win. They had good chemistry. Honestly, I’d prefer it if Morrison was the one with the push instead of Swagger, though. The announcers tried really hard to put Jack over during the match by talking about his pre-WWE career. It was like they were screaming at us to say this guy is good even though it’s hard to forget how poorly he was booked on Raw. At least the effort is there.

Backstage, Jericho was talking to Wade Barrett when Swagger walked in. He said he went after Jericho last week because he was hurt. Jericho said he wasn’t worthy of being champion, but Jack pointed at the belt as proof that he deserved it. At least they didn’t laugh at him this week.

Shad Gaspard came out to put over his heel turn. He said Cryme Tyme is done and now it’s “My Time.” Cue the HHH theme song from 1999. JTG ran out, Shad outsmarted him because as a heel he’s finally smart and booted him down. “It’s my time now!” You tell him. Just for writer’s sake, do I have to spell it as “My Tyme” like before with Cryme Tyme or can I use the correct spelling of words? I need an answer. (My buddy Matthew that was at the show actually said they had a new video package and song for Shad that said “My Tyme” on it so I guess that’s what they wanted to do although he came out to the Cryme Tyme song.) I don’t mind Shad on his own, but what’s going to be so different about him compared to every other big guy that’s a heel like Big Zeke, Mike Knox or Kozlov to name a few?

Drew McIntyre d. Matt Hardy (**)
It’s official now. Drew McIntyre’s theme song is my favorite in WWE. Maybe ever. Sorry Repo Man. Sorry Skinner. Last week Drew beat up Matt before the bell. This time they had an actual that was so heated we got the floor to commercial spot two minutes in. I liked the psychology they used by having McIntyre go after Hardy’s head since they can say Matt was hurt from last week. Hardy was able to gain control, then they went outside and Drew hit the Future Shock DDT on the floor. He rolled Matt win for the win. I love how at the end Striker tried to put over how big it was for Drew to beat Matt Hardy. Yes, the same Matt Hardy that has lost 75% of his TV matches (I’m guessing that’s the number, it might be higher) in the last year.

Next up was the Straight Edge Society out with NXT rookie Darren “Looks Like John Cena” Young. Punk was in his native Chicago here, but he didn’t a hometown pop. Luke and Serena spoke. I have to say Serena’s pretty good at cutting promos and I know she can work. It’s about time they start putting her in some matches because she’s a talented woman. They plopped (yeah I said plopped) Young in the chair and at first it seemed like he was going to allow it to happen, but then he refused. They beat him up, Mysterio made the save. He went to cut Punk’s hair until Serena pulled Punk out of there. It’s official now for Extreme Rules: Punk vs. Mysterio and if Rey wins then Punk shaves his head. If Punk wins nothing happens. The idea is just getting the match to happen is his reward. There were rumors of Hair vs. Mask happening, but I think if they did that it would be obvious Punk was losing and now there’s more of a mystery to it. I liked the segment. The SES are heat machines, so people cheered Darren Young even though he’s not very good. The Straight Edge Society makes me want to have half a bottle of wine at the wedding tonight instead of the full bottle. That’s progress.

The Hart Dynasty d. The Dudebusters (*)
The Dudebeusters are Trent Barreta and Caylen Croft. They cut a promo about how Trent beat Call of Duty 4 in one day and that Caylen hit 12 three pointers blindfolded on his driveway. Somebody green lighted this material as a good idea, keep that in mind. It wasn’t good, but I’m okay with it. It’s nice that there’s an actual team that has a name rather than because they need more of that in WWE. The Hart’s are babyfaces now, which is good. They won when DH slapped a Sharpshooter on and got Trent to tap out. In Canada they teach us that move in grade five. Some kinds learn about the solar system, we learn about the Sharpshooter. I’m hoping that THD gets a title shot at Showmiz at Extreme Rules although they didn’t mention anything like that.

Backstage, Josh asked Dolph Ziggler what it was like to put The Great Khali to sleep. “It feels like this,” said Dolph and he put the sleeper on Josh. Never thought I’d see a company try to get the sleeper over as a finish in 2010.

Backstage, Swagger walked up to Edge to backstage and Edge said it reminded him of when he cashed in MITB the first time. Edge said he’d beat him with a spear, but said it with a lisp as poor Jack said he does not have a speech impediment.

Edge and Chris Jericho ended up in a countout (***1/2)
They got about 20 minutes here, which is fantastic. They had two commercial breaks in the match, one of which was about a minute into the action. Both times they were floor to commercial spots too. Consistency, baby. I thought they really did a good job of playing up Jericho’s rib injury. I love how Jericho has to sell a rib injury from “nearly two weeks ago” yet Cena doesn’t even sell anything from the night before. Babyfaces are superhuman while heels are wimps, basically. Does Jericho ever hit the Lionsault anymore? What percent does he hit? I’ll say roughly 20%. The finishing sequence was nice with Jericho hitting the Codebreaker only for Edge to fall out of the ring. By the time Jericho got him back in, Edge was able to kick out barely. Edge came back with a DDT and his Spear missed as Jericho got out of there. They fought on the floor, eventually ending up in the crowd. The end result was the very predictable double countout finish meaning we have no winner and no number one contender for now. Post match they continued fighting in the crowd with Jericho hiding only for Edge to find him as if they were playing hide and go seek. Eventually Edge hit him with the Spear to send everybody home happy.

The match was good, but not great. It was a very solid TV match that was too slow in the first half for my liking. The end was strong, albeit predictable. I’m a little disappointed because if you told me these two would be getting 20 minutes on free TV I would have thought t was going to hit four stars. Didn’t happen. Maybe they’re saving it for another time. Or is it tyme? See what I did there?

Three Stars of the Show
1. Chris Jericho
2. Edge
3. CM Punk

7.5 out of 10
Last week: 6

The show was really good, I thought. Have to admit they did a strong job of getting over the storylines while mixing in some decent matches .We had a 20 minute main event, plus two ten minute matches and a 4 minute match. That’s 44 minutes of in-ring action right there. The typical one hour show has 88 minutes of air time (44 minutes each hour are without commercials), so half of what we got were wrestling matches. I wasn’t a huge fan of some of the promos or backstage segments since they were far too cheesy, but the Punk promo was fantastic as usual.

Last week I ended the recap with this: “The show ended with the new World Champion posing with the belt. I’m smelling a triple threat at Extreme Rules. How about you?” It’s happening. Book it. It’s better booking since it’s too much asking Swagger to carry a PPV title match. Stick him in there with two established guys for some credibility. The finish will likely be Swagger pinning Jericho to retain the belt, which would probably lead to a Swagger/Edge feud after that.

I should add here that I was really annoyed by Matt Striker’s commentary. I don’t know what happened to him. A few months ago he was really good at this job, but now he’s been “Cole-ified” to the point where he sounds like a nerd. All he seems to do is come up with too many nicknames for everybody like “The Real Big Deal” for Jack Swagger and calling John Morrison “The Abdominal Superstar” is brutal. I’m sure Vince made the decision to neuter his commentary. I don’t like it. He was good. For the past month or so he hasn’t been. A damn shame.

No divas this week. They were on Superstars, though. Does that count? No.

————

This is Commentfest for Smackdown (Smackfest perhaps?) for my Facebook friends. Their thoughts will be in blue and green while mine will be in brackets following them when needed.

Whath up whath up whath up

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Smackdown Commentfest. Where we have chosen to walk a pure path into John Canton’s palace of wisdom. Where we have abstained from Michael Cole. We have kept our minds clear from product pushing from John Cena and we have refused to take Guest Host after Guest Host. I would like to congratulate all of you for making the smarter choice. However, being that I have abstained from Alcohol, Tobacco, Drugs, Caffeine and Non-Perscription Medication, I will allow you to follow me through the maze of impurity to John Canton’s promised land as your leader and voice. I won’t make you shave your heads, but all I ask, is that you keep your bodies pure from the Raw Commentfest! (Hello Straight Edge Guy.)

How long as the ultimate warrior been on the clips bit for the start of the show, i’ve never noticed him before. (Since Flair showed up in TNA.)

Good to see Jack Angle is being put over on Smackdown. Although I still think JoMo deserves an upper midcard feud rather than being misused.

Day 11 in a WWE without HBK…thank God for alcohol.

Oh look, Swagger doesn’t have his notebook tonight… I guess he’s trying to prove to his mama that he has memorized his speech all by himself…

lol @ ” Swagger as Champion = Low Ratings” (Ha, what a sign.)

JOHN MORRITHON?

Jack Swagger. The first Bed-Head champion. I like the SOUND of that! He’s the under-achiever every woman wants to sleep with.

Was it just me or was the crowd kinda flat until Morrison came out. Hey, WWE come on. It’s a no brainer. Bump this guy up the ladder.

You know what? I think this whole blood thing is an angle…If not, why wouldnt they just edit that part out? (I don’t think so.)

*cries* STOP WITH ALL THE NICKNAMES!!

Striker just compared Swagger to perpetual lunatic Gary Busey. If Swagger had half the charisma of Busey, we’d be having a hundred times more fun right now.

“Sweep the leg, Jack!” Swagger’s seen The Karate Kid!

Dear Matt Striker :I usually do not watch Smackdown live as I have to get up really early for work, but the last couple of weeks, I have been able to watch. It has come to my attention that you value yourself as a good commentator, and at first I konda dug your heel persona, but these last weeks, I have been proven wrong. You sir, are becoming nothing more than Friday Night Cole. Please Striker, don’t go down that path. Stop talking so much. let the wreslters tell their story, and plese for the love of jelly, stop nicknaming every fucking thing and person you see. I hope that this is the last of my letters to you. Thanks for your time.

Sincerely,
Fozzie Bear,
Director of Human Resources,
The Canton Nation

Oh look, a black man in a white T-shirt, blue jeans, and Flaves… sure WWE, I mean could we get more obvious with it?

Oh, wow. Shad Gaspard is WWE’s newest heel. Look out, Batista….

Shad is golden on the mic. He is the Obama of SmackDown.

But they were best friends….now they hate each other??? What the hell, this never happens in wrestling… (Heartbreaking, isn’t it?)

So long JTG Jannetty. Best of luck in your future endeavors.

JTG now means “Job to Gaspard”. Think they’ll use that on TV? Hey, it’s in commentfest so it has a good shot.

I’m a heterosexual male, but Drew McIntyre makes me want to go antiquing and sample low-fat latte’s. Don’t print that. (Oh shit that really made me laugh. And it’s printed.)

Spot to the floor at 8:41 EDT!!!!

If Matt Hardy delivers that Side Effect move and goes for a cover (which always fails!) one more time, I will hunt him down and strangle him with his own large intestine.

Matt Hardy looks out of it. That’s what happens when you take videos from a hot tub at 4 in the morning.

For a night with Serena, I’d let CM Punk shave my nutsack with a melon baller. Don’t print this either. (Sorry.)

By the way, WWE is so backwards.. you pause a match for blood but if you have a concussion, you’re good to go… I guess that’s what makes this sports entertainment and not a professional sport… (And the whole pre-determined outcomes thing although that didn’t stop the NBA in the 2006 Finals.)

Serena has Lita Disease. When she opens her mouth…..I close my zipper.

Straight Edge Society are kind of like the Stonecutters of the WWE. I bet Punk could make Steve Guttenberg a star. (I think we should have the paddling of the swollen asses for Commentfest.)

Betwixt? Somebody got a word of the day calendar.

Just out of curiousity, does anybody remember when Mysterio had hair? That’s what I thought… (WCW 1999. Google it.)

I was about to ask why Chicago is the Second City, then Striker answered my question.

There’s something strange, on the Smackdown show… who you gonna call? DUDEBUSTERS!!!

Natalya is the product of Jim Neidhart? Good God- her mother must be extremely fine. (Not really. Google it.)

Okay Dolph, we going to need you to come over to Raw and do that to one Michael Cole. You have our full support if you do that for us…

“Dolph Ziggler is trying to make a name for himself.” I hope that name is better than ‘Dolph Ziggler.’

Otunga reminds me of The Rock…oh wait…Rock wasn’t a sloppy, talentless hack leeching off his significant other’s fame….my bad.

Dear Dolph Ziggler: There is a draft coming up, and should you be drafted to Raw, could you please do us all a favor amd CHOKE THE FUCK OUT~!(CTFO) of Michael Cole? It would be greatly appreciated. In fact, we here at The Canton Nation will blindly overlook the fact that you were once a male cheerleader.

Sincerely,
Fozzie Bear,
Director of Human Resources,
The Canton Nation (You say male cheerleader like it’s a bad thing, but didn’t you Americans elect former cheerleader George Bush as your president for eight years? You love cheerleaders.)

Extreme in WWE terms mean that the rules committee is going to watch every rule really closely… examples include your team getting disqualified if your partner makes a tag without holding the tag rope, hitting your opponent with a closed fist, or the dreaded toss over the top rope to the floor…. all are grounds for disqualifications…

No Mickie James-Canton tonight? Somewhere in Heaven, an angel lost his smile. (And a Canadian reading these comments became angry.)

Take that RAW!!! Smackdown has given me THREE, count’em UNO, DOS, TRES!!!, spot to the floor commercial breaks!!! Eddie would be so prould…

Chris Jericho is like candy with crack inside. You know the outside is bad for you, and the inside is even worse, but you still want more. (I’ve never done crack. Seriously.)

“STAY DOWN!” is the new “ASK HIM~” (No, but I like it.)

Oh wow…double count-out by the top two contenders…think it’ll be a Triple Threat match for the title? Yet another brainstorm hypothesis by the Total Mark Idiot.

….no vickie….no layla….no divas at all….for once I’m pissed about it.

THWAGGA! Oh how I wish he would jump and be goofy again. He’s lost his smile.

LMFAO JACK THWAGGA I DONT HAVE A SPEETH IMPEDIMENTH holy crap

Remember kids, being a champion and taking advantage of opportunities is bad, making fun of people who are different is good. Thanks for the lesson, John Morrison

Hitting an STO doesn’t have the same impact as superkicking someone through a glass window. (To be fair he superkicked and then threw him.)

I hope Rey Mysterio gets his mask shaved.

——–

Keep checking out thejohnreport.net all weekend for more content. I’m likely going to put up a review of The Wrestler on Sunday when I get the chance to re-watch it. I’ve only seen it once to this point, so I look forward to going through it again.

Now that WrestleMania season is over and I’m not insanely busy you can ask me questions (anonymously or by signing in) at Formspring.me/johnreport and I’ll post a batch of those answers to your questions likely this coming Monday. I’ve already answered over 1,600 questions, so if you get bored and need reading material you can sift through the archives. Also, check me out Twitter.com/johnreport where I recently got scolded by Mickie James for sucking up to Maryse. Women. What can you do?

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend.

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