The John Report: Talking Smack for 01/22/10 (Plus Fantasy Booking)
Welcome to the Talking Smack column where I offer up a quick rundown of WWE’s Friday broadcast, Smackdown. Three straight weeks of being spoiler free for me as a viewer and I love it. Also, the Smackdown version of Commentfest continues following my recap. At the end of the recap, I’ll post a link to a fantasy booking article I posted at my blog that will book my favorite wrestler Chris Jericho all the way up until WrestleMania. Even though it’s only been posted for a few hours now the reviews have been very favorable so far. I think you might like it. It was a joy for me to write.

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Taped from Greenville, South Carolina let’s talk some smack…

The big hype this week was that Rey Mysterio would be calling out his Royal Rumble opponent, The Undertaker.

Finlay d. Batista via DQ (1/4*)
It was more of an angle than a match. Finlay was on offense early. They went to the floor and Batista was gouging at his eyes when the ref threw the match out. He got DQ’d. Didn’t care. He beat the hell out of him on the floor, tossing him into the guard rail and giving him a spear on the outside. He then stomped on Finlay saying HHH, HBK and Cena are all going to have to deal with him. In other words, that’s WWE speak for saying if you think somebody other than one of those three is winning the Rumble you’re incorrect. This beating was good. I really like heel Batista probably because I grew so tired of face Batista.

Throughout the show they showed some clips of Mysterio’s past successes including winning the 2006 Rumble, then the World Title at Mania (I’m still bitching about that match getting less than ten minutes) and last week beating Batista to be number one contender. It’s nice to remember history. Wish they did it more often.

The Straight Edge Society welcomes another
Next up was head shaving time. CM Punk came out with Luke Gallows. They mentioned that next week on SD, DX is going to actually work and defend the tag titles against them. As Punk walked down to the ring giving his usual sermon about saving the audience, a woman jumped the rail and hugged him. Luke held her off, calling for security. They dragged her up the ramp, but Punk saw she really wanted to be saved so he let her go. Her name was Serena. She NEEDS pills, but she wants to stop. Punk said he could help her. The facial expressions of both of them here were fantastic. He asked her if she was ready to pledge allegiance to him and the Straight Edge Society (SES). She said yes, so she repeated what he said in saying that she will stand in one nation under Punk. They went to commercial as the head shaving was about to commence. I guess it’s become like a match where somebody is on the floor. Back from the break, he cut her hair off with the razor nearly perfectly. Lots of hair too, down to her shoulders. He kissed her on the head to welcome her to the SES and they even replayed it. The lasting image was Punk cradling her bald head on his scalp as they both smiled. This was really awesome. I’m sure some might complain about it running two segments, but did you hear the crowd? They are into this angle big time. They booed him the whole time. When the time comes for somebody to sit in the chair and beat the crap out of Punk they can make that person a star. I hope it’s Bryan Danielson, but that’s more of a wish on my part.

By the way, the woman was in WWE developmental and her name was Serena Deeb there. She’s going with Serena Mancini in WWE and she’s officially on the Smackdown roster. She’s not up on WWE.com’s superstars list yet officially, but trust me it’s true. I’m glad because she’s actually a trained wrestler rather than somebody they found in a bikini model search. I’ve heard good things about her from people I trust, so I look forward to watching her develop. Much like my beloved Mickie James, she’s a Virginia native too. That might be my new favorite state.

John Morrison & R-Truth d. Chris Jericho & Drew McIntyre (***1/4)
It started out as a handicap match with Jericho & McIntyre vs. Morrison, but before it started they had Teddy Long change Vickie’s decision to a tag match including R-Truth. Why not just announce it as a tag in the first place? I have no idea. I guess they had five minutes to call. This was the longest match on Raw or Smackdown this year, clocking it at about 18 minutes. It was well done with the heels working over Morrison for the majority of the match. I was a little disappointed in some of McIntyre’s offense because it was too basic. He needs to do more than just the basic punches and stomps although that’s how WWE trains their young guys to work. R-Truth got the hot tag and he cleaned house. Jericho ended up hitting an enziguri, but the ref was busy with McIntyre. That allowed Morrison to kick Jericho, who then fell victim to R-Truth’s axe kick for the pin. I usually love the 18 minute matches, but it dragged at times to really prevent it from being great. Still, I’m not going to complain about a three star match.

Reason #6,834 why Chris Jericho is the best performer in WWE: He loses clean in tag matches even though he’s a multi-time world champion. Would HHH lose a match like this to R-Truth’s axe kick? Of course not. Wrestling’s not about winning every match. It’s about losing when it benefits the entire company and that’s what this was. Nobody’s going to remember the loss a week from now, but it does make Truth & Morrison look good in the eyes of the fans.

By the way, Morrison vs. McIntyre for the IC title in a No DQ match next week. I think Morrison gets the belt back especially since there’s a rumor that McIntyre has a knee injury. I’m not sure about that, though.

Back from a break, Michelle McCool and Layla were in the ring. They were in the ring filled with food and a piggy cake as a going away party for Mickie. They told some bad jokes about her being fat only for Maria to come out. She looked tremendous. Michelle rips her for being thin. So Mickie’s fat and Maria’s too thin even though she probably weighs the same, or less, than Michelle. I’m not going to pretend to understand women. Anyway, Maria called them morons. She was about to get up all in their faces when Mickie’s music came on. My girl Mickie James-Canton looked phenomenal in jeans and a white top showing off some stomach. If she did have some extra weight on her three or four months ago it’s clearly gone now. She’s in awesome shape, which is what frustrates me about the angle. She cut a promo on the heels saying women are beautiful in all forms whether fat, skinny or curvy (yes MJC you are curvy) and that there’s nothing wrong with that. I kept waiting for Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” to start playing. Another highlight here was Mickie’s dig on Michelle for her appearance on 5th Grader. That was funny. Mickie really delivered a strong promo here. That’s the one we’ve been waiting months for and she did it perfectly. The fans were really into it unlike some promos on SD where it’s the canned noise. From there, Mickie hit Michelle. Maria paired off with Layla and then Beth, shoeless like Michelle last week, came in. She didn’t know who to go after. She ended up going after Maria. She threw her into the post, sending her to the floor and then took down Mickie. The three heels went after Mickie. Another brutal beating. This one ended with a pig cake in the face. I’ve never been more jealous of a cake in my life. To end it, she dumped the punch on her head. Poor Mickie was left there soaking wet with tears down her eyes. All of them did a great job, but this was one of the best performances by MJC in a long time.

This was really well done. When was the last time a woman’s angle was given nearly ten minutes of TV time? The Trish/Mickie feud, I guess. They deserved it here. It’s worked really well and I think people want to see th showdown. We also learned that it’s Michelle vs. Mickie at the Rumble. I’m not sure if they’ll switch the title although it would make sense. They could wait for WrestleMania. I don’t have any insider info, nor would I ask. I like surprises as much as anybody.

By the way, the punch they used to dump on Mickie? Kool-Aid. See, Mark Henry is useful!

Cryme Tyme vs. Knox & Haas ended in a no contest (DUD)
Charlie Haas! Remember him? A minute in, Kane came out. He threw everybody over the top rope for the annual “Kane is a threat to win the Rumble” push even though everybody knows he has no chance of actually winning. The “Kane is a threat to win the Rumble” push is vintage Royal Rumble booking. Can’t go a year without it.

The Great Khali & Matt Hardy d. The Hart Dynasty (3/4*)
Hardy & Khali again? Matt’s really enjoying the Khali theme song, isn’t he? I think he might feud with Ranjin Singh over who is the better dancer to the song. This was a Raw special at three minutes with Hardy winning on a rollup. Khali never got in the match. He was distracted by Natalya I guess because we have to remember Khali is the Punjabi Playboy. I’m not a fan of the Hart Dynasty losing, though. What happened to the possible Jericho/THD alliance that they teased us with a few weeks back? Make it happen!

Rey Calls Out Undertaker
Mysterio came out talking about how he’s not afraid of Undertaker and he was going to call him out. God bless my DVR and the ability to fast forward through Undertaker’s walk to the ring. Anybody else find it funny that a “dead man” has MMA fighting gloves on his hands at all times even when he’s not in a match? I think it’s hilarious. Maybe it’s just me. Better than the purple gloves, at least. Undertaker asked him if he was afraid now. Rey said no. He said he’d defeat Undertaker at the Rumble. Undertaker said he admired his gallantry (good word, by the way), but he was only digging his own grave. I love when Undertaker speaks normal. When he speaks Undertaker-ese it’s a huge letdown. He said Rey would lose at the Rumble, basically. Undertaker then left. Rey called him out again, but as he was doing that Batista snuck in behind him. He hit a spinebuster. Undertaker slowly walked back towards the ring. If he moves faster he might need another hip surgery. Batista hit a Batista Bomb and bailed through the crowd. He’s the baddest grandpa with a nose piercing on the planet. I give him that. The show ended with Undertaker raising his fist while standing on the ramp while Rey tried to regroup in the ring.

Decent ending to a strong show. I think they’ve done a good job in making us think Rey has a chance at the Rumble although I really doubt he’s leaving with the belt. In fact, Undertaker leaving the Rumble with the belt is probably the lock of the night. Good job of putting over Batista as the dickhead heel too. I believe the original plan was for a triple threat at the Rumble, but now they’re going with Batista in the Rumble match to give it more star power. Fine with me. I enjoyed the Rey/Undertaker match a month ago. I hope they get 15 minutes to tell a good story again.

Three Stars of the Show
1. CM Punk – I don’t care if his promos seem long. He’s in such a zone right now.
2. Mickie James – Yeah I’m biased, but she had to deliver a big promo and she did it very well.
3. Serena – When you make your debut by having your hair cut off you get a star from me. She was great. Plus, she’s pretty cute. I like short brunettes.

7 out of 10
Last week: 7

Yep, it’s a 7 again. I give a lot of 7’s. I almost went 7.5, but relented. I think for me to go higher I need two matches as good as that tag match. Aside from the one long tag match, which I really liked, this was a promo heavy show. And you know what? That’s fine with me because the promos on this show were fantastic. The Smackdown brand is on fire going into the Rumble. I hope the momentum continues all the way to WrestleMania because it truly is a fun show to watch week after week.

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Here are the reader comments from my Facebook page. It’s like Commentfest-lite. Instead of 1500 comments, I have about 100. The readers will be in blue while my comments will follow in the brackets in regular black font.

Welcome to smackdown commentfest. Free from hearing voices since 2006.

Finlay sighting, I was wondering if he was gonna hit the Celtic Cross….oooooooooh wait, too soon?

OMG Batista is entering the Rumble, here was me thinking he would have the night off. (That’s crazy.)

CM Punk getting serious heat before he even says a word. His straight edge society stuff is excellent work.

CM Punk could be the next Jericho…If there could be another Jericho…

Is it wrong that i’m cheering Punk along while supping on a beer? (No it’s not.)

CM Punk on fire at the moment…which is why i’m not looking forward to the Straight Edge Burial next week…

Punk’s right, she will never have to walk alone again…Batista will be right there!

Man she’s gotta be thinking what the fuck did I let them do…anything to get on tv I guess. (Pretty much.)

Where the fuck is Jericho’s KO bruise!?

Who else is sick of R-Truth’s narcissistic need to be the only one on the roster to sing his own theme song live on the way to the match?

Kurt Angle AND Taz sighting @ 9:05 ET!

Matt Striker as an commentator is what King wishes he still was. (I think King is asleep for half of Raw these days.)

This is a damn good promo.

OH MICKIE YOUR SO FINE YOUR SO FINE YOU BLOW MY MIND…HEY MICKIE HEY MICKIE JAMES CANTON. (The last word got you in.)

John do you ever wonder if Mickie is thinking about your convo when she comes out? (If I’m drunk, yes.)

That poor cake….. (Thanks for posting, Mark Henry. Thanks also for supplying the Kool-Aid.)

Best Diva promo since Trish left and Lita got kicked out of the WWE by Cryme Tyme. Of course the only only Divas I remotely cared about were Mickie James-Canton and Beth. :/

You’re the disappointed guy Layla and Michelle was talking to aren’t you John? MJC’s not really leaving SmackDown…

Did you know? I have basic cable, and every other channel I have (Literally all) except for MyTvZ have “Hope for Haiti” on. Its Smackdown or nothing!

NATALYA!!!! sorry but she reached new sexy levels tonight…. (Never apologize for liking a woman. Never.)

Khali is the man. He gets paid for 1) Winning a tag match and not even wrestle 2) Having an attractive woman flirt with him at ringside. Where can I sign up for this job? (Try being over seven feet tall. That helps. Talent is not necessary.)

“Matt Hardy can’t believe whats he’s done!” Why, because he actually won?

“My name is Drew McIntyre, and I’m here to let you know the if the United States Championship isn’t Scottish, it’s CRAP!”

You Tube is the Reason I’m getting a Droid. Just so I can watch Smackdown where ever I go. (See that Droid, you have a customer because of SD!)

I think it’s funny that Layla looks a quite a lot bigger in the waist than Mickie is… just thought I would point that out. (Thanks for posting, John Canton. Wait, that wasn’t me!)

MATT WON !!!!!!!!!!! (Shocking.)

I wish the announcers of the WWE would tell me how many people there are in the Rumble and how to win the Rumble. (It’s a mystery.)

Alliances?! There are NO alliances in the ROYAL RUMBLE! It’s EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF for a WORLD TITLE shot at WRESTLEMANIA 26! THE GRAND-DADDY OF THEM ALL! Unless you put up your title shot at NO WAY OUT OF THE ELIMINATION CHAMBER PPV and lose which means you don’t get JACK SQUAT! (Thanks Vince McMahon announcing circa 1991.)

So say you were John Chena, Hx3, Shawn, Batista, or another big name who wasn’t wrestling for the World Title at Wrestlemania… wouldn’t you rather be in the Money In The Bank match, where you know you can earn that title shot as opposed to facing some other wrestler you have a beef with??? I mean, all these guys are dropping … feuds to be in the Royal Rumble where you have a 1 in 30 chance at winning. In MITB you have a 1 in 8…

Now I know WWE WRESTLERS (Vince will be coming after me now) are probably not mathematical geniuses but surely they can figure that equation out…

You need to stop using logic to be a wrestling fan. (See, I don’t even have to say it now. I feel like a proud father.)

This will be a weekly feature. Good participation!
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Here’s a link to the fantasy booking article I posted on Friday involving Chris Jericho and a returning Edge. It takes you from the Rumble until their match at WrestleMania 26. To read it, click RIGHT HERE. I had a lot of fun writing that. It came easy to me. It’s easy to write stuff when it involves two of the best in the business. Also on the blog this week I posted some notes about when we might see Bret Hart again and in that same post there’s also a listing of the age of every on screen performer in WWE. It’s pretty interesting to see how many of them are in their mid 30s or older. That’s a sign that WWE needs to get younger, at least to me.

Check me out on Twitter at Twitter.com/johnreport where I try to have some fun with a few of the performers in WWE. They’re good people although they probably won’t reply if you use words like “storyline” or “angle.” They have to dumb it down, which sucks, but it’s understandable considering the masses are…well…dumb.

Last link is for this Royal Rumble site filled with stats. It’s pretty incredible. Check it out if you’re bored one day because it’s a good time killer. The link is here. Pretty cool if you want to kill some time when bored.

New column on Monday. It’s about the Rumble and WrestleMania, so be on the lookout for that.

Thanks for reading.

John Canton – [email protected]
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