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Shae’s sister-in-law is counselor and teacher Christina D’Amelio (M.Ed., LAC, NCC). Both spoke to Patch about the importance of self-care and some of the misconceptions about what it means.

D’Amelio rushed over to her house one day in 2022 after receiving a text message that they both described as a “cry for help.” Shae, who said she has been struggling with an eating disorder for more than 20 years, had become dangerously thin, and was feeling exhausted and in a constant fog. She reached out to family members for some help.

“I couldn’t take feeling like that any more,” she said. “But when I did try to eat at that point, I was unable to eat without having physical pain or a racing heart.”

D’Amelio said they had not seen one another in months – and she was shocked at how Shae looked. She was close to organ failure at the time.

“The tips of her fingers were blue,” D’Amelio said. “She was bones.”

D’Amelio knew that something had to happen, or Shae’s life would be in jeopardy.

“I literally said, ‘I’m sorry, guys, but this is a problem. She’s going to treatment.’”

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Shae eventually went to an eating disorder clinic through RWJBarnabas in March of 2022 after anxiety, self-esteem issues and bullying from a childhood accident manifested into a severe eating disorder, which she had been struggling with for years. But she tried to put it off, D’Amelio said.

“At the time, it was hard,” D’Amelio reflected. “I remember watching her try to justify not doing it.”

It was at the clinic that Shae said she really began telling her side of the story for the first time, after years of not talking about her mental health or opening old wounds.

Shae said she was left with facial scarring after being in a car accident at the age of four, and was bullied throughout middle school and high school. This gave her low self-worth and anxiety issues, she said, and she was hesitant to open up about her feelings throughout most of her life.

Shae said that situations at home, and her experiences in abusive relationships, further contributed to that anxiety and lack of self-confidence, and that she also turned to substance abuse — “whatever I could to get rid of that anxiety.”

She said she was closed off at first and didn’t want to share her experiences and feelings with other people there, but eventually found common ground with what they shared, and opened up. The book started off as her own journal entries, and things she wrote down during therapy.

“Each chapter is dedicated to a different time in my life, whether it be a trauma or a life challenge, and how it affected me mentally,” she said. “And then the second half of the chapter is dedicated to my perspective of that situation now as an adult who has processed her traumas, and sees things through a different perspective.”

A key part of Shae’s journey has been talking about those past challenges, and also learning how to take time for herself so she can reflect and recharge.

“I mean, my lack of self care during COVID is what essentially led to my eating disorder, also,” Shae said. “So, a lack of self care isn’t just going to sometimes make you cranky or sometimes make you not your best self. It can lead to other serious things like overdoses or eating disorders, or depression (and) anxiety.”

Practicing self-care looks different for everyone, said Shae and D’Amelio, who are both working moms. It can be as simple as taking a walk, making a phone call to a good friend, or getting some peace and quiet during lunch, as D’Amelio said she does daily at school.

“It makes me a better mom, and it makes me a better person,” she said of taking that time to herself. “Because when you’re pushed too far, and you don’t take that time, you’re not going to be effective in anything that you do.”

Shae said another misconception about self-care is that it means being selfish, or isolating yourself.

“Self-care is not just this word to be thrown around so that you can get whatever you want and do whatever you want at any time,” Shae added. “It serves a purpose. It keeps your mind in a safe space. It keeps your mind healthy, so that you don’t go down these other avenues that lack of self care can cause.”

Shae has also spoken at an RWJBarnabas Health gala, and will share her story at a women’s health event next month, too. She said she hopes that the book can serve as a guiding voice for someone, as D’Amelio did for her, and allow them to go through their own journey of growth and healing.

“When you’re so close to somebody who has an eating disorder, sometimes you choose not to see these things,” she said. “And so it’s very important to have a support system of somebody who will speak up.”

To read more about Ella Shae or to purchase a copy of her book “From Broken to Beautifully Broken,” click here.

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